Following hot on the heels of the GFA's essential, and respectful, instructions on to How to Shake Hands, ASIB on the Web continues the series of helpful guides to performing seemingly simple everyday tasks with a football related theme by bringing you our very own directions on How to Leave the Changing Room before the match - a must for anyone who harbours any intention of then getting together with the opposition before the match for a group respectathon.

1) Once changed, players (*) assemble on benches around walls of dressing room awaiting further instruction

2) Manager (M) stands in middle of room, delivering monologue that will provoke no reaction and be instantly forgotten apart from content that begins with a player’s name and then concludes with the words "… you are substitute this week". The response to this will be either a verbal assault on the manager, a physical assault on the manager, the player experiencing a complete emotional breakdown or the player storming out. These instructions cannot detail any of these circumstances, so it has been assumed that the team has only 11 players.

3) Team then congregates in middle of room (C)

4)  Lots of primeval shouting of pertinent phrases such as "Let’s get the Bastards", "Come on Lads", "Lets do it Boys" and "Have I got time to go to the toilet" whilst milling around oozing testosterone. Shouting to be accompanied by intermittent bursts of thunderous applause. (D)

5)  Open the door (Important!!!!!)

6)  Leave changing room (E)

7)  Go back and recover bucket, corner flags, medical bag, practice balls and everything else it was assumed that the Manager would take care of (F)